askme7.com

Posts Tagged ‘marital conflict’

E.Umana here, I don’t want to start the year off on such a dreary topic; but this is something worth addressing and if you like please use the sharing is caring social media buttons at the end of this post to share it .

I was listening to Pastor John McArthur and he was talking about a woman who said that God gave her an opportunity to divorce her husband and she didn’t take it and now she is stuck with the guy since she didn’t take that opportunity to divorce him, she, in her mind,she missed God’s best for her life.

People have become so indifferent about marriage and divorce.

There is not any perfect marriage, it takes hard work,commitment and seeking God’s purpose for your marriage and life. Matthew 19v 1-2

 

Last year there were over a million divorces in the United States alone and possibly millions more around the world as a whole.

Divorce has creeped into societies so completely there is hardly anyone who has not been touched by it directly or indirectly, whether, it be parents,children,neighbors,coworkers. that’s a lot of divorces and the million plus divorces represents a lot of broken hearts, crushed dreams, emotionally devastated spouses and children.

 

There are of course legitimate grounds for divorce, such as infidelity,true abandonment or violence;but today it is almost seen as a status symbol e.g. lavish divorce parties of “getting my freedom”

Even the japanese are getting in on this trend with solemn divorce ceremonies.

No fault divorce laws,introduced in the 1970′s, only made things worse,this is ridiculous, it gets people off the hook, maybe both contributed to the divorce to some degree;BUT someone is at fault. Some people will say “Don’t you want people to be happy?

 

Your marriage commitment should not be be based only on how “happy” this person makes you. You made vows and other than the exceptions mentioned above,

 

God expects you to keep it.

 

Your children don’t always make you happy,Things don’t always go as expected with them, some parents have to deal with children in and out of legal trouble,attitude problems,violence,drugs,sex etc and you think, “this is not what I expected when we had you”

 

So what do you do? Do they cease to be your children? Of course not? Then why get rid of your spouse because you’re going through a rough patch?

Is it because there is no biological connection and that supposedly gets rid of the “problem”? This is completely unbiblical;but a lot of people,even  in the church, don’t seem to care.

 

Some of the divorce settlements are scandalous to say the least, for example.

 

Once upon a time, there was a man who made millions of dollars working in the media, He was married,several years into the marriage, he traveled alone away from home and family from time to

 

time, got a girlfriend, (which is totally wrong no doubt) They get divorced,she gets spousal support of roughly one third of his income totally “free money” until she either remarries or he dies,she also gets the big house as well.

 

Bottom Line: She is not EVER going to remarry and will end up having nothing but “boy toys” (on his dime)

 

Of course while not as common,the same situation happens to women as well.

 

There was a woman,who I really admired, she was married, had children and in an age of false role models, I wanted to be able to hold this woman up as a model of a true christian woman.

 

Anyway, she worked with a new man,they have an affair, she gets a divorce, describes the marriage as (paraphrasing: suffocating) gets married to this other man (who also left his wife) they have a child. (This is a woman who touted christian values and was admired by a lot of people)

 

None of us are perfect;but there can be no rationalizations to the path that she has chosen. The now ex husband, acknowledged that they had problems and indicated that he wanted to work it out;but she didn’t want to at all.

 

With God, there are no evolving standards, There is no “getting with the times” There is that psycho bable phrase, “I love you;but I’m not in love with you anymore.”  In other words, you no longer make me happy. Love is not all about feelings.

 

People love the idea the idea of getting married, getting the chapel ready,the flowers the ring, the tuxedo, the dress etc a real fairy tale; but fail to think about the commitment when times get tough as they inevitably will.

 

Remember Hebrews chapter 13 verse 4 where God speaks about the sanctity of marriage and that he will judge fornicators and adulterers. That verse specifically mentions keeping the marriage bed undefiled.

 

In the old testament, God talks about sexual immorality as polluting the land.

 

At the end of the day, Marriage is a sacred God created institution and should be fought for, not ridiculed, even as divorce has become fashionable and commonplace.

There are no real winners in divorce.

 

Let me know what you think.

E.Umana here, I hope the weekend has been good for you. I don’t know how much of this debt ceiling news coverage I can take. Here is part two of my blog post on guarding your heart.
Let me know what you think.
 

Garbage In,Garbage Out.

What you or your spouse takes in (internet,TV,Newspaper,Radio etc) can affect you or your spouse very intensely. These mediums can serve a very good purpose,we all need to be well informed;but we also need to be very discerning as well. A friend once said that Facebook has ruined so many marriages.

It (facebook) can also be very destructive as well when some people can’t seem to separate the virtual world with the real world.

Again Facebook,like anything else can be used for good or evil,depending on how one chooses to use it.

Pornography has no place in a christian marriage, it will not spice things up,it makes the spouse (ususally the wife) feel inadequate, unable to match the women in physical attraction or sexually in the images or videos.

Romance novels (not all of them are bad of course) which glamorizes women who are bored,going through a difficult period in their marriage and dissatisfied in their marriage, falls in love with that buff,handsome and chivalrous Cable guy or Rich English Duke with the “killer” smile who looks deeply in your eyes and makes your knees go weak with excitement.

First Corinthians chapter 10 verse 23 says: All things are lawful;but not all things are profitable.

Translation: While something may permissible like hanging out with your ex from high school,even though you are married,it is not helpful to your marriage and it can rightly be argued that it doesn’t in any meaningful way, build up or strengthen your current marriage.

Till Next Time
E.Umana

Stop Fumbling In The Dark When It Comes To Your Marriage. E.Umana is a Louisville,KY based author on internet marketing and christian topics Learn More Click These Links. http://www.affairsinthechurch.com

http://www.12marriagekillers.com

E.Umana here with something you might want to consider. Let me know what you think.

I’ve had to remind so many men in my personal life that they’re off the market (as in married) when they strain their neck to look at an attractive woman’s posterior as she walks by.

These men usually respond by saying “There is nothing wrong with looking.

Do you disrespect your wife by staring at other women when the two of you are out and about.

I was listening to a radio show on this very topic and the male guest stated that he made sure to not turn around and look at the very attractive woman as she was riding the escalator up

while he and his wife riding it going down as he didn’t want to disrespect his wife as he knew that (and she confirmed it) she was looking at him to see what his reaction to the mystery woman would be.

 

Women are far more likely to have wandering hearts. Does she never seem to be “in the mood” any more no matter how romantic,attentive and thoughtful you’ve been? Does she instead stay up until the wee hours of the morning (every night) chatting on Facebook with her high school sweetheart from 20 years ago who she “just found” on facebook?

Whether the husband or wife is caught up in this type of behavior eventually boundaries will be crossed, Don’t start what you can’t finish.

Romans chapter 12 verse two says: Be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Wandering Romance and lust is very powerful, the false thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. This applies to wives and husbands alike.

Men especially are admonished to not stray.

So your wife is now older and she no longer has that stunning figure you once loved to show off to your friends. The fact is, as those years went by you grew older too; but since that young waitress smile, winked and laughed with you and tapped you on the shoulder, you want to throw that all away for a phantom chance. She (that waitress) may make you feel young; but you’re not.

There is no excuse to claim to be having a mid life crises.

Malachi chapter 2 verse 15  says Don’t deal treacherously with the wife of your youth. Proverbs chapter 5 verse 19 says: Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.

 

Love is not just a feeling you feel, its a choice as well. We all need discernment skills from time to time even though, at the end of the day, we know right from wrong.

 

Husbands and Wives should learn not to have unrealistic expectations.
After the affair is over, then what? Start another one? Divorce your spouse and marry another one? We all know the success rate of that scenario (sarcasm) Part Two Coming Soon.

Stop Fumbling In The Dark When It Comes To Your Marriage. E.Umana is a Louisville,KY based author on internet marketing and christian topics Learn More Click These Links.  http://www.affairsinthechurch.com

Marriage: And The Most Dangerous Human Body Part Is?

http://www.12marriagekillers.com

 

E.Umana here, let me know what you think of this. Do you agree with my post?

If asked what the most dangerous human body part is, most would probably say the arms or the legs; but many theologians would say that its the tongue, as mentioned by R.C Sproul.

With the tongue we both praise God and curse each other. He also went on to tell the story of a girl who had crooked teeth, very poor eyesight so intense that she had to wear those unsightly coke bottle type glasses, the ones with the very thick lenses and to top it off,she had persistent acne,she used to get made fun of mercilessly.

As she entered adolesence around 13 to 14 years of age, her body started to develop physically and the boys started to notice her and as she was within earshot of some boys talking, she heard one of them say in effect that she has a great body; but he’d have to put a bag over her head in order to have sex with her.

This girl’s self esteem was crushed.

Proverbs 18 v 21 The power of life and death is in the tongue.

Braces straightened her teeth, clearasil cleared up her pimples and contacts got rid of the need for glasses. This “ugly duckling” grew up to be a beautiful swan (A very beautiful woman) and yet 25 years later, she had to go to R.C. to say that she couldn’t respond to her husband as she didn’t feel that she was beautiful. R.C. was so stunned that when she told him this,at first he thought that she was kidding;but realized that she was not.

The tongue can be used to for good or for evil, with it a person can be inspired to great heights of accomplishments or it can tear a person apart to the deepest depths of despair and even suicide.

There is a thing such as constructive criticism like the widely, almost reviled Simon Cowell formerly of American Idol.

As a former judge on The TV show American Idol, his caustic criticism caused animosity,even tears and insults from prospective musical artists, even though some of this criticism was entirely accurate.

On the other hand, fake praise can damage a person’s psyche. You’ve probably heard about parents watching their children play sports or engage in some other activity, saying for example Great job Timmy,just for trying. My question is what has Timmy accomplished? I don’t believe in praising mediocrity. Words of encouragement is one thing, excessive praise is another thing.

Last month, I saw the story of a 7 year old, whose ears stuck out and was frequently teased to the point of her parents paying for her to have surgery to make her ears less noticeable.

They showed the before and after pictures.The difference was striking.

From Foxnews.com

“This was a preventative way, so she wouldn’t get bullied,” Cami Roselles told the morning show. “Kids are mean. That’s just how they are.”

Her daughter had a procedure called an otoplasty, also known as ear pinning surgery,

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/04/15/girl-7-plastic-surgery-avoid-bullied/#ixzz1LLYWcAa8

The taunts if not countered with family and school involvement could affect her for life. I don’t know if surgery, other than for something that is life threatening is best for someone so young as her body is still growing and developing.

That throws out the adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Words do hurt and can strike into the psyche of a person long after the physical wounds have healed.

Let me know what you think of this

Till Next Time.

E.Umana

E.Umana here,back after a hectic 6 months,back with a vengeance and a brand new blog post, If you like it or find it interesting, see the link below to share it with your friends on facebook,twitter etc. As always, let me know what you think.

We’ve all seen the endless merchandise with the phrase, what would Jesus do? What would you do when tragedy and difficulties strike? Would you follow his advice or dismiss it?

A few weeks ago, I watched a story on cbs news about Mike Daly ,whose wife Carol in her late fifties developed alzheimer’s disease,he had to retire early to take care of her, I watched as he did the chores, cooked and put on her makeup, he gained alot of weight as the stress seemed to really get to him.

He could have walked away or sent her to a nursing home to be taken care of;but he didn’t. see it here Life is not a bowl of cherries.

As christians, we are to take the good as well as the bad,we are to take those marriage vows seriously. Years ago when Nancy Reagan was asked why she chose to take care of her ailing husband, she responded, that he would have done the same for her.

Marriage is a God given covenant,which should not be entered into haphazardly or ended willy nilly. Last month, there was the story of Charles Lome, who found his wife had collapsed and was not breathing and so he tried to give her CPR and ended up panicking and dying himself, it just amazed me how something like that can happen.

Just yesterday on Fox and Friends, I watched the story of Matt Logelin, whose wife Liz, was his high school sweetheart,just 27 hours after giving birth to their first child Maddy, died of a pulmonary embolism. The devastated husband went on to write a blog,which attracted a huge following and book detailing his journey. see it here

I don’t know the faiths (or lack of faith) of these people;but I am struck by the deep love and commitment that they had for one another.

You may not always have that “new car feeling” (That phase, where the love you feel and show to each other, is at its strongest, where people have to keep saying “Get a room you two”) but marriage is most definitely worth it.

Those stories need to (however tragic or difficult they might be) inspire us to commit ourselves to our family and even try to love even when we don’t feel as loved.

 

God first loved us, even as we didn’t know him or even rejected him. This goes against the grain of worldly thinking of I need to take care of myself first, says whom?, certainly not the bible. Taking care of yourself is good; but not in the way that its being advocated or exercised today.

Contrast that with some celebrities (who shall remained unnamed) who “fall in love” with their co-star,leave their marriage to be with the lover and forsake their marriage vows,even those who in the past, were christian role models by initially, not letting the hollywood lifestyle change or sometimes corrupt their values.

I personally knew someone who paid a woman thousands of dollars to marry him so that he could stay in the country (US),That’s nothing new of course;but I could never do it no matter how hard up I was for cash as I, while not claiming to be perfect, take marriage as a covenant very seriously.

According to a cbsnews story entitled “I don’t” The Decline of Marriage” Fewer Americans are getting married, in fact the number of marriages dropped a full 18 percent from 1970 to 2010

That’s a lot of weekend fathers and mothers out there. Its understandable that some people with a child or children should not marry the father or mother,particularly if there is violence or infidelity etc,

However,Study after study has shown that a child benefits greatly, when as soon as he or she is taken out of the womb (in other words, born) there should be both a mother and father looking adoringly at him or her. There is a reason why every human being gets 23 chromosomes each from the mother and the father.

Even with this decline of marriage, the business of marriage is booming, from hotel rentals,wedding dresses and tuxedoes,limos,honeymoons,flowers etc etc.

People seem to be in love with the idea of getting married and don’t seem to think about the “hard” and necessary work that goes into making a marriage last. See it here

This blog is politically incorrect and may seem “judgmental” to some; but these are issues that urgently need to be addressed.

Until Next Time

E.Umana

E.Umana here with a post that you may be able to relate to or you might even be offended; this is food for thought for the weekend,

Don’t forget to spend some time in the word and let me know what you think of this post, either way.

In a world where bad economic news dominates the media headlines and with unemployment at record highs,now more than ever,families are struggling to make ends meet,so much so that in many cases,two paychecks are needed just to keep their heads above water to pay the bills.

Traditionally, women who have mainly raised the children,bathed them and fed them, shopped for clothes and food, hugged them when they fall down and got scraped,cleaned the house,did the laundry and were still able to cook the meals.

Today, this if far less likely to be the case.

Today,women make up almost half of the workforce and a clear majority of today’s college graduates and students (Lesley Stahl once did a story about the dearth of male college student on the TV news show 60 minutes) and are climbing to the highest echelons of corporate America…and beyond.

In a growing number cases,women are running multi-billion dollar enterprises with hundreds of thousands of employees under her leadership.

In today’s current economy,in many households, the man’s paycheck is no longer enough to pay the bills,its just not cutting the mustard. So if both the husband and wife are working. Who does the chores? Who cooks the meals? What does the bible say about this?

This does lead back to a common theme that men and women are equal but different. one is not better than the other or has more intrinsic worth before God. Those God given differences are why God gave husbands and wives different commands and admonitions. (see Ephesians 5 or 1 Peter 3)

When you decided to marry, you willingly gave up your “independence” to a great degree, you both are a team, you are now part of one another and working together,respecting each other enough to do whatever is necessary to do what benefits your marriage,each other and your family is what’s called for, even when you feel as lazy as a buffoon.

There is the new buzz word “me time” that is a worldly term and a selfish one.

Keep this in mind from 1 Corinthians 7v4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.

On one hand, The man IS to be the main provider. The bible says that a MAN who will not take care (or provide) of his family is worse than an infidel (unbeliever) 1Timothy 5v8

On the other hand, a woman who is a doctor,gets married to a trash hauler (Hey, it does happen, love can be blind) she being a doctor is in a much better position to provide for the family and should not be expected to do all the chores once she gets home (if they don’t have hired help)

Even if the man, (still in most cases, though its slowly changing) is the top earner, household chores should be discussed and shared with a complete meeting of the minds knowing what chores each spouse will do and when, especially if this has drawn a big wedge between you and your spouse.

I know that its not the most romantic thing to do;but many marriages have ended bitterly where one spouse (usually the wife) feels taken for granted,taken advantage of like a doormat or slave. “All he does is sit in front of the TV and watch the game all day” or “You don’t do anything around here, leaving me to cook and clean while you go out with the guys almost every night”

Women,without question, still do most of the chores even if she’s working.

Men need to step up and gives their wives a hand, you are called to love and respect your wives, so that your prayers will not be hindered. 1Peter 3v7 (Men, Your masculinity will not wash off with the dish water.)

Conversely, nowadays, it seems to be a badge of honor for a woman who says that she can’t cook. (I know this is only anecdotal;but years ago there was a TV show, (which shall be unnamed) where the main character kept stating the fact that I still will not cook as if cooking was something that diminished her status as a woman. Not being able to cook especially when you have kids and can’t afford “take out” everyday is nothing to be proud of.

In some cultures, if a man were to go in the kitchen to try to cook,the wife would get offended and spill something hot on him, in effect she’s saying. You don’t think I’m a capable or responsible enough wife to cook for the family.

This is not,by any means to say that the only thing a woman is good for is to cook the meals, however this is a clarion call for married couples to work together,if necessary with an unbiased third party (and no your friend from third grade is not unbiased:-)) to work out any differences in this area and is especially something that would be married couples need to deal with BEFORE falling head over heels and taking the plunge and not say “I’ll change him or her after we’re married”. These things can be worked out and they do not have to be a deal (or marriage) breaker. Seeking the Lord and mutual respect is Key.

Until Next Time
E.Umana

E.Umana here with a question, Do you have an unrealistic,perhaps idealistic or downright naive view of what married life would be like and now you’re down in the dumps because everything didn’t turn out as you thought it would?

Just because you married your high school sweetheart and he/she shares your faith and you think “Our marriage is going to get better and better, after all, we’re christians”

Being a christian does not guarantee a trouble free marriage, after all, Marriage problems can happen in any marriage. There has even been some research to indicate that the rate of divorce among christians mirrors that of non christian marriages.

If so, Do you throw up your hands and give up on your marriage and get a divorce because you had a heated argument? Absolutely not?

Conflict, disagreements are inevitable at some point in your marriage.

Don’t let your marriage problems get the best of you. You can take some concrete steps to turn things around. You must acknowledge that there is a problem and deal with it quickly, There is that saying “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger” which is so true.

If you and your spouse refuse to deal with that conflict or even to acknowledge that there is a problem, like cancer it will continue to fester and it will eventually blow over. Don’t think that if you have some major issues in your marriage and you both refuse to deal with them, that somehow,like magic it will work itself out. That’s not going to happen.

Some time ago,on the news, it was reported that a woman was arrested for handcuffing herself to her husband in order to iron out their marriage problems and going on to assault him as well, this is not the way, by any stretch, the appropriate way to deal with conflict/disagreements.

Different People…Different Viewpoints

Whenever you have two different people with differing view, at times its going to cause friction, friction naturally causes heat and heat as you know, causes fire, that doesn’t mean that any marriage problems can’t ultimately, be handled in a Godly way that brings harmony regardless of the circumstances. No two people are going to like the exact same things or see things in the exact same way.

Don’t try to outdo each other:

Many couples have those infamous heated arguments and will throw everything, including the kitchen sink,in an effort to hurt or outdo their spouse and “win” the argument by dredging up things that happened in the past,even things that are unrelated to the topic at hand, things that have already been dealt with or even things one spouse had told them in confidence is now being used to ridicule them instead. Don’t fight fire with fire.

Overcome evil with good. Romans 12v21. Do you know that song by Sara Evans “I could not ask for more”? It has one line saying “smiling just to see that smile upon your face”

When you argue, try not to shout or yell at your spouse, it seems that the more you shout and yell, the more your spouse will shout and yell in response, trying to shout over you to dominate the argument, besides being immature,destructive and counterproductive,its not pleasing to God and it does not set a good example to the children who are bound to see and hear Dad And Mom “going at it”

Let me know what you think.

E.Umana